To all the girls I loved before...

I love women! All types. It doesn't matter whether they are short, tall, fat, thin, beautiful and ugly. To me, I am fascinated by them and believe me when I say that I have yet to meet an ugly woman. Contrary to popular beliefs, I find women emotionally stronger and more resilient than men. In times of despair, it is the women that always seems to stand out more. I have the utmost respect for them and throughout my career in the cosmetic industry, I have better understanding of women than men.

On a personal basis, I have had the fortune and the privilege of having met many wonderful women who have left a lifetime of memories and in this 'no-holds bar' revelation of my life that not many knows about or something that a father will not reveal. This is an amazing story of relationships that, to me, would only happened to 'good-looking hunks' and not 'junk' like me.

To give a perspective of why I say its amazing is that I am not, repeat, not a good-looking man! Even when I was young, I was plump and geeky. In fact, I was in China on several occasions the past year and on two occasions at two different places, I was told by young Chinese women that I look like their dead leader, Chairman Mao! I was hoping they would say Brat Pitt but ended up Brat Pitt-Bull instead. Under the universal law of attraction, I should end up as a hermit, celibate and living in a cave somewhere but far from it, I have had amazing relationships that most men could only dream about.

I am writing about this for several reasons.

One, I want my children to share part of my life in a time when they were not even conceived so that they can better understand their old man.

Two, I want them to know also that any advice given by the old man is not just opinions or judgements but through experiences that the old man has one through, and

Three, I want young readers who visit my blog to know that fathers, irrespective of their current outlook and persona, are basically the same as them when they were young and hopefully, through this, be able to bridge a better mutual understanding and respect for each other.

My love was when I was 12 years old. Puppy Love, you'd say? Well, it lasted for 8 years! When it ended, it took me over a year to recover!

It all started innocently through teasing. She was a neighbour and a friend of my cousins whom I always visit. Then it progressed to letter correspondence because it was prehistoric b.c. period (before computer). Letters need to be hand-delivered or posted and it would be a week before you'll a reply. Talk about slow build-up. Receiving a letter was a happy occasion and it was after 6 months of correspondence that we went out on our very first date. She would sneak out of the back door and meet me near a river behind her house and we'll walk before we stopped at coffeeshop for a drink. I can still vividly remember people walking-by and staring at us and I never knew why until decades later when I chance upon a young couple and realized how ridiculous we must have been back then. But it didn't matter to me, I was in love...We did everything together but unfortunately, it affected my studies as I lost my priorities. From a boy that's always first in class, I ended up being the last! Thank God that I was mature enough to take remedial actions to improve. It was from this relationship that I had my first kiss (the radio was playing 'Without You' by Nilsson in the background). However, all good things must come to an end and it ended not because of any third party but because after 8 years and at an age when your future is still uncertain, we simply ran out of things to say to each other. In fact, I was even asked by my mother then whether I want to marry her but the answer was obvious. It was the most depressing period of my life and for one year, I would just stare at the walls and when walking on the street, you always seems to run into someone that looks like her. We kept in touch for a while and she got married and divorced and I've lost contact with her since. I wish her well.

What I would like my children to learn from this is that you have to be matured enough mentally to start a relationship. I wouldn't recommend this at secondary school level because when you are happy, you can't study and when you have quarrels, you can't focus. Also, when you start young, it'll never last because by the time you are ready to focus on your career, your relationship would have become stale and your priority will be different by then.

After I got out of my depression, I was introduced to a woman by my brother's friend and although I wasn't ready for a relationship, we hit-it off right away. She was a very unassuming person , intelligent and I would remember making a comment about a certain look and the next time we meet, she'll be decked out in preciously the way I said it. She was very accommodating but I knew there was no future for us so I just stopped seeing her after 6 months. No goodbye notes, no telephone call. Looking back, it seems so insensitive. It was 10 years later that we met again. Out of the blue , I received a call from her and we met and had dinner. She has since got married and is already a mother. Since then, I have lost contact with her.

I was a geek and immediately after the 'break-up', I attended a New Years Eve Party and like everyone else, I was fearful of rejection. So I looked for the fattest girl to ask her to dance thinking she'll never reject me. I never went further with the girl but left the party with a group of girls who sat in my car to drive to Gurney Drive to welcome the New Year. I was smitten by the girl sitting next to me and the next day, I called her for a date. She hesitated but was later persuaded by sister who apparently was one of the other girls sitting at the back of my car. We hit it off straightaway but I had to end the relationship 6 months later because of incompatibility. I remember her crying through the phone but we remains good friend and still call each other occasionally.

The world is really very small because the girl that I was to be married to was in the same New Years Eve Party where I met my previous girlfriend. It was a year later that I was introduced to her by an old classmate of mine. At that time, I was seriously looking for a relationship and when I first met her, the first thought that came to my mind was that this is the woman who would be the mother of my child! Honest! Our relationship lasted for three and a half years but it was anything but bliss! We would argue on everything petty and we would argue and not speak to each other over RM1 or being late to pick her from work! In all fairness, she treated me well and probably loved me but her ways of expressing her love are sometimes hard to accept. Unfortunately, like most men, you want to take responsibility. Thinking that her behaviour was probably due to her insecurity of our relationship, we decided to get married. Big mistake! The problems got worst with arguments over what mattress to buy and how big the reception is going to be! I was miserable. It was during this time, I met my present wife.....(suspense)

I was working as a hair cosmetic salesman then and my current wife was a student in one of the hairdressing schools that I was servicing. It was really fate that got us together because until today, I still cannot explain how we could got together. There was no intention to pursue her as I was already 'married' but somehow, our paths crossed and before we knew it, we were together. I was in a turmoil. Some unfortunate turns of events happened which made me to decide to call off our wedding. The situation got to a point, when my 'wife' tried to commit suicide! It was just like a movie drama but that was probably the last straw because I never like to be intimidated by anybody and knew that if I had given in then, my whole life will be a misery. We then decided to mutually agree to nullify our marriage. What this means is that we get a court order to delete our registration reverting us to our 'bachelorhood' instead of having a stigma as a 'divorcee'. A simple procedure that finally took 7 years to end. I had maintained good relationship with all the women in my life except my 'ex-wife'. I can't blame her. Maybe I was wrong but when your future happiness is at stake, was I wrong to give up a bad relationship for one of happiness? Its been 25 years now that I have been with my present wife. She has gone through bad times with me that I am sure wouldn't have been the case if I had not annulled my marriage. It was a painful decision but by the grace of God, it has been a wonderful decision.

Starting a relationship is easy. Maintaining it is extremely difficult. It is the same to marriage. It takes great fate for two persons to be together and it takes even more sacrifices to keep a marriage and a relationship alive. I have had met many wonderful women in my life. I have experienced suicidal woman. I have had women who fought over me. I have had married women thrown themselves at me. My life has been anything but conventional but I have finally settled down with the only woman that makes my life meaningful. The mother of my beautiful children.

To my children, my advise is..

There is a time and place for everything. Focus on your studies when you are in school. Don't rush into a relationship because it is the 'in-thing'. You don't look for love. Love will find you and your heart will know when it comes.

To all the women that I have met in my life...

Thank you for the memories.